PCOS is notorious for causing massive weight gain, depression, and anxiety which creates this never ending cycle. It’s like those three things just feed on one another, not allowing you to see a way out of the self-hate and exhaustion.
This picture is not a current one. I’ll be totally honest and say I’m definitely heavier now than I am in this picture and that kills me. I feel good about the way I look in this picture, but I still hate my arms, the shape of my face, the thinness of my hairline…. I could go on. In all honesty this picture was taken almost three years ago and it’s the last picture of my whole body that I feel okay to put online. I hate that.
I have written about this before, but the way PCOS effects me is definitely by weight gain, but especially when I’m dealing with stress and anxiety. I happen to have a high pressure job i.e. stressful to the max, and I have been struggling with anxiety since I was 9. It’s almost like a chicken or the egg question for me: which comes first, the stress or the anxiety? Either way it ends up in weight gain and self-hate for me.
I have tried all the diets, workout routines, and homeopathic tricks out there, and nothing is really working. I know one of the biggest things I should really do it change my mindset. Easier said than done, am I right?
I feel like I need to create a list of steps and it might help me find a happy place again. I hope this list helps you, too, if you’re feeling a lot like me. Stuck, depressed, and unhappy with the way you look and feel. I don’t mean this is be against the idea of being plus sized. I’m admire women who feel comfortable at ANY size. I just know that where I am now is not comfortable. I don’t know my own body. I don’t feel like I can be comfortable in this shape and size.
So, without me wobbling on any further here are some steps I’m going to be applying to my own life. Hope they help you, too.
Take More Photos of Myself
This is a hard thing for me. I hate taking photos of myself. I hate others photographing me, it’s all just horrific and awful. I need to get to know what I look like. I don’t want to look back at these years and find no documentation of them because I hate the way I look. I remember going through my family photo albums and destroying every picture of me from ages 9 to 16. I remember my mother being extremely upset with me, but I felt like it needed to be done. I regret that more than anything now.
Have a Fashion Show
I wear the same three outfits every week because I know they’re comfortable, they don’t cling to my body, and they’re covering up the majority of “ugly” areas. This needs to stop. I can’t live in all black and slouchy sweaters for the rest of my life. I intend on putting on a whole slew of movies one day, get a $10 full length mirror from Target and trying on all my clothes. I want to really understand how things fit on me, what I want to keep, and what needs to go.
Stop Assuming Other’s Opinions
This is the biggest and the hardest one of all. I don’t put myself out there, or expect attention, or feel like I can ask things of people because I am not worth their time, or affection purely because I am fat. PCOS has made me feel less of a person not just because of the weight, but because I can’t have children, am going bald, but have hair in weird places…etc… I need to feel like I can ask things of people. That I don’t have to be the one who hangs in the back, or gives up their spot because others are worth more than me.
I know these are more philosophical than practical, but I really think if you’re having a hard time starting somewhere with getting to know yourself and accept who you are inside and out these little steps will guide you into a new perspective. Just remember you’re not alone, and I’m always here for you.