I am an extremely sensitive person who loves to travel, but admittedly has issues with loneliness.
I've been pretty absent here and I want to say that I've been working and writing, but in reality I've been stuck in a dark hole. My depression has taken a new low and I find myself running into negativity and criticism more than encouragement. Allow me to be vague for a moment and say that something terrible and awful cropped up out of a grave last week and shook my world harder than I thought possible. It has sent me on edge and made me realize there are so many things I could never say out loud, but also I don't really have anyone I feel I could ever share these things with. I feel abandoned, alone, and numb. I find myself looking for a darker place to hide in rather than stairs to help me rise. My heart and trust has been pulled back and forth for so long and friends have taken their leave one by one and I'm struck with the feeling that it's my fault.
What does this have to do with traveling? I think anyone who has experienced solo travel at least once in their life is confronted with this hard wall of "fuck I feel so alone." You sort of don't know what to do at first, but those lucky ones figure it out pretty quickly. You find hobbies, distractions, new friends and move on. You find ways to enjoy the solo moments and carry on with life.
Traveling alone can be a hectic task for a sensitive person.
What do I mean by sensitive person? I kind of relate it to my anxiety issues. Everything I feel whether that's good, bad, or shocking is felt 10x over. I can't watch certain films because I feel the characters pain is real. I can get lost in my mind listening to music and ruin my entire day for no real reason other than I was overly moved by a lyric. A"Highly Sensitive Person" is everything I try to pretend I'm not. I feel that my high sensitivity takes away my independence and confidence in my work and passions.
Traveling is difficult. It's not easy, it never will be, and as much as I would like to fool myself into believing that I'll eventually feel okay being on my own forever - I know it's not possible. I need to feel like I matter to at least one person. I need to feel that I can share my strange moments with another person without judgement. I need to feel that I have unconditional support around me. I don't have that right now. I'm moving through the days by filling them with distractions and balancing too many responsibilities on my plate. I do what I can to tire myself out so I spend my "free time" asleep. This is not how I want to live. This pattern also concerns me for when I do finally travel.
I have a date, a location, and no plans of a return ticket. I originally started this blog because I wanted to find a way to encourage others to travel, but I find myself stuck, again, in my dark hole, my blindness to positivity. The smallest thing sets me off now a days.
If I were to travel at this moment, in this mood, I would probably push myself to go out. I would enjoy it and find new people. I would find a new location, fall in love with a new building, and find a new sense of hope. That is, until I hit the next bump. No matter how strong, or self-assured you are you will feel loneliness at some point. There will be a moment when you feel inadequate and want help, or someone else to take on the responsibility. Some say those are the moments when we truly find ourselves. We discover our strengths through the struggles and tears, but I say fuck that. Ask for help. You can't be strong and alone forever and always. People, friends, family, loved ones, relationships with strangers all matter in the end. We need to be kind to one another and understand that each person is reaching through their own thick struggle and might need a little help now and then.
This post is all over the place and probably doesn't make a lot of sense. I'm feeling a lot of feelings. I know traveling won't fix all of my problems, but maybe it'll shake me up just enough to stop feeling sorry for myself and find new perspectives.
I have new posts, schedules, photos to share on this space. I'll hopefully have a regular posting schedule done by next week. Thank you to anyone who reads this and gets it.