You’ve worked out for two solid weeks, most people tell you this is how long it takes for you to create a habit, but depression hits you and you’ve no idea how to get out of it. You see your motivation and willpower slipping through your fingers like sad goop. It’s the tearful “fuck” that solidifies your inability to move past the numbness and familiar apathetic instincts that automatically kick in. Goodbye to those early morning workouts. The early mornings you enjoyed because you felt like you had enough time in your day to get shit done and feel like an “adult.” Now your nights are spent trying to fall asleep until you’ve slept for about three hours before having to start your day.
How the fuck do you get out of the funk and continue to exercise. You know it’ll only help your mood, but oh boy, that bed, those blankets, that stupid t.v. show you’ve watched too many times…the joy of not giving a fuck for a moment...day..week..
This is where I’m at right now. I’m looking around my messy room and feeling that darkness seep in, keeping me from getting on with growing up i.e. getting fit. I can talk myself into living with what I’ve done to myself and I tend to start researching ways to live alone and only virtually connected to the world.
Exercising with PCOS is hard enough as it is. You can go for months on end and only see a slight bit of progress. This gets me down all the time. I feel awful about myself with I’m with my partner sometimes because they can exercise for a month or so and noticeably look different.I tend to look like I’ve done something with my hair. I can see my family also look at me strangely. I feel gross most of the time, but one step at a time.
I’m definitely more tired of hating my body and seeing my shape reflect that hate, but it’s hard to overcome those deep rooted challenges.
Since I’m so deep into this feeling at the moment I’m setting up a fiveish week challenge!
I have to do some kind of exercise every day. That can range from taking a walk to doing a four minute HIIT workout. Link takes you to Lucy Wyndham-Read's Youtube Channel. She also has a great website with month long workout schedules.
No sugar. NONE. The only sugar I can consume has to come from fruit, or from one teaspoon of honey. That’s all I’m allowed. No sugar free items either.
I tend to crave sugar when my blood sugar goes and I start to feel faint and really hungry. I’ve heard this is really common for women with PCOS. Our bodies are our own downfall sometime. I recently watched a great little introduction about what it’s like to have PCOS on Chloe Dungate’s Youtube channel. (I recommend her channel either way, it’s hilarious).
When it comes to diet I’m ooookay. I don’t eat a lot of heavy foods even when I’m depressed. My go-to depression food usually means a tiny box of Goldfish crackers and a box of gummy worms. However, I do drink more than I normally would i.e. two glasses of Bailey’s rather than one. I’m a real rebel… Consumerism is my real fix when I’m depressed, but I’ll talk about that another time.
I can’t diet. It’s not in me to diet. I cannot stick to a strict diet because I like the flavor of all foods! Mostly bread, but that’s its own kind of love. I’m okay as far as preparing meals and cooking for myself. I love my own cooking, which is both a blessing and curse, but at least I don’t fear the kitchen. I bring my lunch to work the majority of time, so I’m typically eating salads, grapefruit, sliced apples with peanut butter, and string cheese. I’m working on putting more hard protein in there since I’m walking before work now - one day at a time! Dinner is somewhat tricky because of my living situation, but I can usually scramble up some egg whites and whatever veggies happen to be in the fridge. Side note - this week I’m going to try buying my veggies as I need them rather than all at once. I tend to not use them up if I buy them at the beginning of the week. Mind over matter and all that.
My worst meal is breakfast. I usually have this broken up into two small meals because I have such a long commute to work and I’m trying to get up at 5:30/6am everyday. My favorite meal is eggs and soldiers with a giant cup of coffee…, or these protein pancakes with a big slop of scrambled eggs. These meals last for a little while, but it never fills me up enough. My blood sugar usually drops by 11am while I’m at work and I have to stuff some Quark in my face.
I recently made a Pinterest board all about different meals that are PCOS friendly and derived from all kinds of fad diets. I figure if I use a little bit of each I’ll get something right. As far as breakfast goes I like having it broken up into two meals, but I think I’ll aim for one of them to be more protein/fat rice and the other carb/sugar balanced. Follow that board if you’re interested in seeing what I’ll be cooking up over the next 5 weeks!
I’ll try to keep a weekly update on the “challenge”, but in the meantime, wish me luck. I’m going to need it.